Standing Your Ground: How to win arguments (without destroying relationships)

Essential tips for conflict management in your life and business.

If you want to get anywhere in life, you’ve got to learn how to handle people, especially in times of conflict. Whether it’s a disgruntled client or swinging a trade in Monopoly, a silver tongue never goes out of style.

Disagreements are unavoidable; you won’t always see eye-to-eye with others. You don’t want to be a pushover, but you don’t need to burn bridges either.

I’ve gotten pretty good at getting what I need without having people feel as though they’ve been run over. The key is addressing differences without eviscerating everyone in the vicinity.

Let’s talk about “I” statements vs. “You” statements.

When discussing negative events, avoid “You” statements. They put people on the defensive and frame interactions in a combative light.

Examples:

“You always do [x].”

“You did not understand what I said.”

“You are wrong.”

“You” statements are declarations of fact, a concrete exclamation that the criticism is rooted in reality.

When we hear the word “you”, it’s a wholesale indictment, especially in times of contention. It sounds judgmental; nobody likes to feel judged. It’s another way of foisting blame on someone else instead of taking responsibility. At least, that’s the way it’ll be perceived by most people.

When money’s at stake, tone-deaf speech is especially dangerous.

If there’s a chance conflict could arise, “I” statements are the way to go.

“I feel like there was a mistake here.”

“I don’t think this was done properly.”

“I” statements frame an observation as the perception of the speaker. They do not assert a statement as absolute fact, which leaves room for the recipient of the criticism to maneuver and save face.

A cornered person is a dangerous person; allowing outs prevents knock-down-drag-out affairs.

Our words have tremendous power. In the digital age, where text is king, there’s no reason to ever distribute communication with the intent of inciting the recipient — -even if it feels good in the moment.

This goes doubly-so for any business-related material. An angry client represents not just a short-term loss of income, but a lingering threat to your business for years to come.

The overarching idea here is the importance of word choice and attitude.

Enter Framing Effects:

Framing Effects: The way you phrase an idea impacts how it’s received.

A few, clever implementations of “Framing Effects”:

1) Fast Food Menus:

https://medium.com/swlh/how-the-design-of-a-restaurant-menu-tricks-you-into-paying-more-6eb1563ab96b

2) Landlords that provide discounts for “early” payments instead of charging for late payments.

“I’ll give you a $100 discount if you pay before the 5th of the month. $500 instead of $600.”

Instead of…..

“If you pay after the 5th of the month, you’ll be charged an extra $100 for late payment. $600, instead of your normal $500 rent.”

Landlords have had success with the “savings” instead of “penalty” tact because consumers love a good deal and it’s less contentious.

3) “Rate Lock” vs. “Contract”

Life insurance companies use this lingo.

Many senior citizens are on fixed incomes. Predictability is an important consideration for purchases and insurance companies have an in-depth understanding of consumer behavior.

The term “rate lock” implies a sense of security, a promise that they won’t be surprised by unexpected fees or changes in premiums in the future.

It’s no different than a contract; it just sounds safer and less predatory.

So, how do we minimize damage during disputes with others?

If you were expecting a few phrases to holster for your next argument, you’re going to be disappointed. You can’t summon canned lines to do the hard work for you; there’s no long-term substitute for critical thinking.

Cultivate the right “higher-order” thinking and the actions will follow.

The key to moving (social) mountains is understanding that it’s not about you. Get into the habit of seeing the world through the eyes of others. That’s how you sidestep landmines that fell the average Tom, Dick, and Jane.

Once you’ve re-calibrated your thinking, you start making the right moves intuitively.

Let’s close the show with a tale of life imitating art:

One of my previous articles, on Pit Bulls, took a controversial stance. A prospective client for my business shot me an email about it.

(I assume he discovered my website during his pre-purchase due diligence, since I never mentioned it to him.)

He let me know that he read the piece, offering a few strongly-worded objections to my analysis. I thanked him for taking the time to read the piece, mentioned I was “flattered” he did so. I countered his points as well, without taking a defensive stance or dismissing his view outright.

(Some might argue that I should have said nothing at all, let alone rebut his opinion. Why risk alienating a potential customer?

To that, I’ll say this:

Sure, you want to pick your spots, but you have to remember that life is not all about dollars and cents.

Discretion is the better part of valor, but timidity, unchecked, will derail potential. You can’t always slink in to the background to avoid conflict. Nor do you want to rubber-stamp an opinion just because a person of interest has voiced it. It’s phony and, if you routinely do it, people will lose respect for you.

Don’t forget the long-term damage to your self-esteem.

You don’t have to discard your internal compass to move forward in the world. You can stand your ground without sacrificing relationships. Reasonable people appreciate reasonable responses.)

I didn’t hear much from him after that. No more inquiries about the deal or talk of how we should proceed.

Turning people off — -prospective clients included — -is a very real possibility if you exhibit any sort of courage in the material you publish.

I chalk the loss of business up to collateral damage from our conversation and move on.

Two weeks later, he contacts me out of the blue. He asks if I’m still willing to deal. We quickly agree to terms and I make the sale.

I’d like to think my response to his criticism helped seal the deal.

Anytime you’re interacting with others, you have to keep the end game in mind. You can have your cake — -and eat it, too — -with a little forethought and an understanding of what gets people going.