Boundaries Protect Goals and Relationships: 3 Tips For Getting Yours in Order
Summer is officially over. As we transition into Fall, a discussion of the invisible lines that shape our year-round quality of life.
I spent some time the last few months traveling, immersing myself in local customs that frame everyday living stateside and abroad. Fraternization between neighbors, expected conduct in the workplace: social and professional standards color how we view our circles and our fit within them.
But what do we do when we don’t feel content with our place in the fabric of our communities?
One maxim that transcends time zones: strong boundaries as cornerstone for happy, productive living.
“Boundaries” are to “quality of life” as Hydrogen is to water. Boundaries protect goals and relationships; they preserve your sanity as well.
Proverbs 25:28:
“Like a city whose walls are broken through is a person whose lacks self-control.”
That’s not self-control or discipline in the strictest sense, like a stiff-necked drill sergeant waving a magnifying glass over a private’s boots. What we’re after is the ability and willingness to uphold personal standards, even when there’s internal or social pressure to do otherwise.
Boundaries dictate how we treat others. When a disagreement arises, do you talk it out, articulating your expectations and desires, or do you “ghost” them, cutting off all future communication, robbing yourself of an opportunity to sharpen your conflict resolution skills?
Delineation of priorities, rules of engagement, and forbidden conduct: that’s how you define what you’ll tolerate from yourself and others.
Three tips for establishing boundaries in your personal and professional life:
1) “What Do [You] Want? When Do [You] Want It?”: Define Terms.
Good boundaries are like vortexes.
They pull the people you want closer and keep those with uncertain motives at bay.
This article is partially-inspired by a conversation I had with a friend. He was telling me about an old flame that keeps re-entering the picture, with little concern about her impact on his emotions. After one recent encounter, he set her straight, explaining the damage her lingering in that gray area between “social acquaintance” and “prospective romantic partner” was doing to his mental state.
I told him that was a good move.
And really, that’s the way to go. You can’t be afraid of short-term discomfort and disapproval if it increases the odds of long-term tranquility. Know what gets you going and limit your exposure to everything else. You get happier by asking for what you want, not subjugating your values to please everyone else.
Boundaries, like fences, make good neighbors.
2) “No” Means “No”.
Well, not always.
“No” doesn’t always mean “no”, particularly if you want to get anywhere worth going. Some no’s mean, “Try a little harder.” or “Ask me again later so I can save face here.” Persistence and creativity escort you past the gatekeepers preventing entry to exclusive pastures.
When deciding who and what get your attention, you need hard stances on what you value most, what you’ll prioritize above all else, and what you’ll get to if time and availability allow. Stipulating what behaviors you’ll tolerate from yourself and others; that’s a prerequisite for healthy relationships and high self-esteem.
Women, in particular, can find these situations difficult to navigate because of gender expectations about accommodation and inclusiveness. From an early age, women are conditioned to account for the needs of others when making decisions. This can lead to guilt about turning down overflow work at the office or reluctance to rebuff infringements on personal time from friends and family.
Want more respect from co-workers and first crack at the best projects? Friends that see you as more than someone to complain to or a captive audience for their latest get-rich-quick pitch? Demand it through your actions, spelling out what you need from others if they want your attention and developing a reputation for trustworthiness, diligence, and empathy. Be someone that others want to be around.
Cultivate a culture of confidence, accountability, and productivity and the fruits of that labor will come to you ten-fold.
This is where the importance of being honest with yourself and others comes in:
The real value of honesty is the purity of action it begets. You’re not weighed down by expectations around you; you’re fueled by integrity that manifests what’s inside your head into the words and moves that register an impact. An open mind is fertile ground for breakthroughs, much more than one bent on inflating an ego. A mind unburdened by pretense is a formidable ally.
Read more about honesty here: https://justtaptheglass.com/post/186539009638/honesty-reigns-supreme
Life is short; triage accordingly. Time and attention bandits — phone apps, invites to events — can rob you of opportunities to further what’s most important.
Guard your time like a mother bear guards her cubs.
3) Life Isn’t Always About You.
At least, not “You” in the present.
Some decisions are nods to future considerations, like the money you need for a wedding or college tuition for the children you’ve yet to create.
You turn down next month’s trip to Vegas and the reunion invite from classmates you only sorta want to see so you can get a running start on a goal you’re eyeing down the road.
Boundaries are the first line of defense for your future self.
Proverbs 22:26–27:
“Do not be one who shakes hands in pledge or puts up security for debts; if you lack the means to pay, your very bed will be snatched from under you.”
He who guards his resources is a wise man. Be careful about how much you expose yourself to loss because you’re uncomfortable saying “no”. Strong boundaries are like a good personal assistant, warding off solicitors and ensuring all your important commitments are satisfied.
I wrestled with this situation myself recently, making a decision within a group that was unpopular — -but ultimately accomplished a secondary goal — -with no cost to anyone else in the group. Group-think and pressure to conform did not prevent me from doing right by my (future) self.
A good rule of thumb for evaluating alternatives: Your regret meter index.
What choices carry the greatest risk of regret in the future? Choose options that strengthen relationships and happiness going forward over fear of disapproval and peer pressure in the short-term. Always begin with the end in mind.
Life-work balance is a common “boundary” battleground. Fears that missing an email from a boss or client will lead to whispers about being a slacker and cost you a raise or promotion. Outside of the most time-sensitive lines of work, do you really need to be on-call on a Saturday night? Set expectations by limiting your communication to workday hours. Stay the course and folks will get the message.
Boundaries aren’t just essential for our interaction with the outside world. Internal boundaries keep us headed in the right direction.
To be clear, I’m not suggesting you adopt a “My-Way-or-The-Highway ethos where selfishness is the supreme virtue and everyone else is just a bit player in your movie. A life well-lived demands reasoned compromise. Just get comfortable with being your own best advocate.
Every day outside of your destiny is one less day you have to enjoy it. Commit your energy to what matters.
Ever have a problem standing up for yourself? Leave a comment or shoot me an email. I read every message.
